This sh*@ is hard.

Waiting. waiting. waiting. waiting.

I thought I was being supportive, I thought I was okay, I thought I was understanding, I thought we were happy and it all crumbled beneath me.

Right now I feel like 'Bastian in The Neverending Story after the nothing consumed Fantasia and I'm just siting here with one little light spec left.

From infertility to the painfully long adoption wait, S. and I never really faced our anger, our frustrations, our sadness, our emptiness and swallowed it and continued until we almost broke.

We hated when those feelings surfaced and so we began to think we didn't want kids. We loved our life, we loved our freedom, we loved traveling, being selfish - it was awesome, right? Wrong. Not when you're telling yourself this just so you don't have to feel the pain anymore.

Our individual health crumbled, our relationship began to crack and we felt like we were on a one way course to hell. For months this was our life. We let the noise take over and drown everything - including our walk with God.

It wasn't until the beginning of July that we were pushed to visit a new church that the noise became muted and we realized what was happening. I don't think we are anywhere near "100%" but it does feel good to have quiet and peace to allow us to focus on our issues and move forward.

I know many are wondering what is happening with our adoption and I will be posting updates the rest of the week.