From the ashes

So what has happened since I last posted? A lot. So much so that I feel like I should split up the next few blog posts to tackle each subject: work, my personal health, our adoption, etc.

Part of the reason, though, I stopped blogging was time. I felt I was dedicating my time to everything except what I needed to and so I thought I should take a break. Another reason is I felt that I may put way too much out there into the universe. Truth is, regardless of whether it was too much or not, it was my therapy and since I stopped I've felt the weight of everything being bottled up.

It's amazing how many feelings one can go through in a short amount of time. It really is.

The events in Japan have rocked me to my core and I cry a lot. Our family in Tokyo is safe, but very shaken and scared. I thank God daily that they are safe. The numbers of dead and missing continue to rise and stories that warm your heart and break them at the same time keep surfacing. The people of Japan continue to show integrity and compassion towards one another and it makes me realize there is still good in this world.

And yes, the events in Japan have definitely affected our adoption.

Speaking of adoption, much has happened. On NYE, as I previously blogged, we were told that the program grew, it was now closed, and that there were only 9 placements in 2010. Then, we were told in February that there has only been one placement, inferring that it was slow. Our last update in the beginning of March finally had some good news! A placement had occurred.

Then the bomb was dropped: The US Embassy in Tokyo added an extra mandatory step to the adoption process. Bio moms are now required to make a trip to Tokyo to meet with an older, American male with a translator, to go through an interview process.

Why is this bad? You have to understand Japanese culture - the Japanese are very quiet and reserved people. They are very closed and do not like talking about personal issues. Many of the bio mothers are ashamed of their pregnancy (it came about through infidelity or unwed) and don't want to really acknowledge it. So having to sit in front of not one, but 2 people, and air out their dirty laundry, so to speak, is very shameful. Additionally, the bio mothers come from all areas of Japan. Many have not been out of their town and are scared to head to Tokyo - a city that reminds me of New York City.

After talking with our agency, it seems that having this requirement is necessary, however the execution is something we need to see about getting changed - maybe have a Japanese representative of the US Embassy head to the towns of the bio mothers and get a statement that way? I wish I knew where to begin.

With everything that has happened, I've crawled into a shell. I've been lucky to have befriended a group of amazing women that has allowed me to be as open and honest about everything in my life as possible and haven't passed any judgement. It's because of them, I realized I have consistently swallowed my emotions since this whole thing started.

And by whole thing I mean since S. and I decided to start a family together.

I don't think I've cried my eyes out or yelled or screamed or event threw a massive pity party. I've had down times, but nothing that went to my core uprooted everything I've compacted down in the past 3 years and let it out. The whole time I've been wondering why should I? I can't change anything, I can't make it better or worse, so why should I wallow. Instead, I swallowed it and carried on - taking on the nurturing role to my friends who were going through what I felt was worse than what I was: divorces, pregnancy loss, trying to conceive issues, identity crisis, etc.

All of this has definitely been affecting my mental and physical health. I took a pregnancy test a couple weeks ago, stupid, silly me, and it was negative. Except this time I cried, I cried but good. I was so upset - not at the fact it was negative - but the fact I continued to get my hopes up and it always comes crashing down. I was yelling at myself for feeling something, but why? Why don't I have the right to feel?

I've packed on a good amount of weight through all of this. Something that is completely opposite of what my goal was. I wanted to lose all of this excess weight by the time we traveled to Japan, as last time I felt like the fat American, and I wasn't doing any of that. I found comfort in food and alcohol and it was starting to show.

I finally decided to do something about it.

I now have a personal trainer and I use my stationary bike (my Christmas gift from S.) every day. The exercise gives me an endorphin rush that feels like an emotional cleanse. We have also cut back on a lot of indulgences.

I wish I could say in this few months time that everything is amazing and back to normal - it isn't. I do long for Baby G. to be in our arms, I know my husband and I need a vacation from work, and I still am trying to find the internal release button that will allow myself to feel and mourn completely, but I feel like better days are ahead and am glad to be back.