From the ashes

So what has happened since I last posted? A lot. So much so that I feel like I should split up the next few blog posts to tackle each subject: work, my personal health, our adoption, etc.

Part of the reason, though, I stopped blogging was time. I felt I was dedicating my time to everything except what I needed to and so I thought I should take a break. Another reason is I felt that I may put way too much out there into the universe. Truth is, regardless of whether it was too much or not, it was my therapy and since I stopped I've felt the weight of everything being bottled up.

It's amazing how many feelings one can go through in a short amount of time. It really is.

The events in Japan have rocked me to my core and I cry a lot. Our family in Tokyo is safe, but very shaken and scared. I thank God daily that they are safe. The numbers of dead and missing continue to rise and stories that warm your heart and break them at the same time keep surfacing. The people of Japan continue to show integrity and compassion towards one another and it makes me realize there is still good in this world.

And yes, the events in Japan have definitely affected our adoption.

Speaking of adoption, much has happened. On NYE, as I previously blogged, we were told that the program grew, it was now closed, and that there were only 9 placements in 2010. Then, we were told in February that there has only been one placement, inferring that it was slow. Our last update in the beginning of March finally had some good news! A placement had occurred.

Then the bomb was dropped: The US Embassy in Tokyo added an extra mandatory step to the adoption process. Bio moms are now required to make a trip to Tokyo to meet with an older, American male with a translator, to go through an interview process.

Why is this bad? You have to understand Japanese culture - the Japanese are very quiet and reserved people. They are very closed and do not like talking about personal issues. Many of the bio mothers are ashamed of their pregnancy (it came about through infidelity or unwed) and don't want to really acknowledge it. So having to sit in front of not one, but 2 people, and air out their dirty laundry, so to speak, is very shameful. Additionally, the bio mothers come from all areas of Japan. Many have not been out of their town and are scared to head to Tokyo - a city that reminds me of New York City.

After talking with our agency, it seems that having this requirement is necessary, however the execution is something we need to see about getting changed - maybe have a Japanese representative of the US Embassy head to the towns of the bio mothers and get a statement that way? I wish I knew where to begin.

With everything that has happened, I've crawled into a shell. I've been lucky to have befriended a group of amazing women that has allowed me to be as open and honest about everything in my life as possible and haven't passed any judgement. It's because of them, I realized I have consistently swallowed my emotions since this whole thing started.

And by whole thing I mean since S. and I decided to start a family together.

I don't think I've cried my eyes out or yelled or screamed or event threw a massive pity party. I've had down times, but nothing that went to my core uprooted everything I've compacted down in the past 3 years and let it out. The whole time I've been wondering why should I? I can't change anything, I can't make it better or worse, so why should I wallow. Instead, I swallowed it and carried on - taking on the nurturing role to my friends who were going through what I felt was worse than what I was: divorces, pregnancy loss, trying to conceive issues, identity crisis, etc.

All of this has definitely been affecting my mental and physical health. I took a pregnancy test a couple weeks ago, stupid, silly me, and it was negative. Except this time I cried, I cried but good. I was so upset - not at the fact it was negative - but the fact I continued to get my hopes up and it always comes crashing down. I was yelling at myself for feeling something, but why? Why don't I have the right to feel?

I've packed on a good amount of weight through all of this. Something that is completely opposite of what my goal was. I wanted to lose all of this excess weight by the time we traveled to Japan, as last time I felt like the fat American, and I wasn't doing any of that. I found comfort in food and alcohol and it was starting to show.

I finally decided to do something about it.

I now have a personal trainer and I use my stationary bike (my Christmas gift from S.) every day. The exercise gives me an endorphin rush that feels like an emotional cleanse. We have also cut back on a lot of indulgences.

I wish I could say in this few months time that everything is amazing and back to normal - it isn't. I do long for Baby G. to be in our arms, I know my husband and I need a vacation from work, and I still am trying to find the internal release button that will allow myself to feel and mourn completely, but I feel like better days are ahead and am glad to be back.

From all to nothing

I love this blog with all my heart - I've put out everything that is important to me: health, love, my love of God, our path to children - and must now take some time off.

Thank you all for your support and love.

Catch ya on the flip side.

Public Service Announcement: Pets & Driving

On my way to work last week I was behind a small car with it's windows more than half open and out of the windows popped this tiny dog - ears flapping in the wind, tongue hanging out. Now I know many people are probably going, "awwww" as I'm painting this visual.

I snapped this a couple months ago - cute boxer, right?

From Blogger Pictures

I can not count how many cars, truck, SUVs that I've seen that have their dogs hanging out the window unsecured. The fact of the matter is anything can happen and I'm sure you'd want your pet just as safe as you, your significant other or your CHILD. Still think it's cute?



from Bark Buckle Up:

The Facts Are In: When driving 35 mph, a 60-pound unrestrained dog can cause an impact of 2,700 pounds, slamming into a car seat, windshield, or passenger. Even if the animal survives, it can impede the progress of rescue workers who need every moment possible to safely care for accident victims.

* A 60-pound pet can causes a 2,700 pound projectile, even at only 35mph
* Statistics show pet travel has increased 300% since 2005
* Unrestrained pets can delay emergency workers' access to human occupants
* Pets escaping post-accident can pose many dangers, including catching the loose pet
* Injured pets may bite rescue workers or others who are trying to help
* Pets may escape through a window or open door and cause a second accident
* Driver distraction is common when unrestrained pets are rambunctious

http://www.barkbuckleup.com/default.asp

http://www.besmartridesafe.com/default.aspx

Please take the pledge, share the word and keep your pets safe and secured when driving. We are their guardians and the deserve to be kept safe in our care.

Our pets, Giz and Mush, all buckled up:

From Blogger Pictures

Rough, raw, and honest.

When blogging first came about, I never in a million years thought I'd get into it. I consider myself an open book, but putting all my thoughts out there for everyone to see scared me. But after awhile I found it cathartic and a free form of therapy. Additionally, I found it to be a great arena to voice my opinions and concerns with regards to my lifestyle choices.

Then I realized more 'real-life' friends started following and I became a little gun shy with my blogs. These people know me, they see me, what if they get offended? What if they stop being my friend because of my opinions? What will they think??

I realized I had lost that part of blogging I loved so much and that I was letting those hangups affect me. I did some soul searching these past few weeks and decided to get this blog back to where I need it to be. The title for Thriving for Baby is "our quest for love, health, spirituality, happiness, and a family" and I want to discuss all of that this year: health (mental, physical, emotional), our spiritual growth, what we do to make ourselves happy, and everything in between.

So buckle up, avid readers of ThrivingforBaby as 2011 will be a coming out year, so to speak. It's time to get rough, raw, and honest.

May 2012

May 2012 sounds like a long time away. It's definitely not a date we anticipated seeing without Baby G., but that is a possibility we need to get used to.

All of the paper pregnant families, those of us who have gone through all of our paperwork and procedures and are simply waiting, in our program were notified that our program has grown so much that we need to anticipate the full 18 month wait.

I read this notice over and over on January 1st, talked about it with S., and wrote back and forth with another paper pregnant friend in our same program. I initially was okay with the news. S., on the other hand, was frustrated and confused. 2012?!?

The more I mulled it over the more anxious I became and the more I realized (again) I am NOT in control. This whole process, growing our family, everything is not in my control.

I have blogged about my struggles and realizations of God's Will before, but this adoption process has really been a great constant reminder that He is in control.

We are more calm now and re-energized for the wait - whether it's 3 months, 8 months, or the full 18. Thank you for the continued thoughts, prayers, and well-wishes. We are so glad we can bring you on this journey with us.

Happy 2011!

Time has gone into warped speed this past month and, while I absolutely love the holidays, I'm very relieved they've come and gone. S. and I have taken some quiet time in the midst of the chaos to reflect on our goals for this new year and begin coming up with game plans with regards to Baby.

I'm also wanting to update my blog - give it a fresh face ready for our growing family. So if you know any aspiring graphic designers looking to grow their portfolio and can design me an awesome template for cheap or FREE (I'll advertise) contact me either on facebook or via my email.

Lastly, I'd love to get involved with doing some homemade craft giveaways this year. Contact me if you know of anyone who'd love to donate items.

Here's to a happy and prosperous 2011!!

The Holidays are HERE!

Since it's been a while since I last blogged, I figure I'll use this post as a general update. A lot has been going on - business is doing very well, all thanks to God - and that has been taking up our time.

I got a crafty bug up my rear and decided to make ornament Christmas cards to send out. I don't have any kind of pattern, so I apologize in advance if you get it and don't put it on the tree. :( I'll be working on them this whole weekend and should have them out by next week. (If they end up nice, though, I'll take pics and make a craft blog post.)

If you didn't already have a chance to see it, my father and lovely husband worked through Thanksgiving weekend to paint Baby G.'s room. It is adorable! We're just getting the finishing touches (a little rug, a fold out bed chair, and perhaps some shelves) and it should be done and ready for Baby G.'s arrival. I already sent the pics I took to our coordinator in Japan - hopefully it will tug at our Bio Mom's heart.

S. and I go through ups and downs in terms of our battle with food/healthy living/exercise. We hate the downs. We happen to be in one currently. Long story short (for now, as this will indeed be its own blog post later) we have been trying to find something that fit what we knew in our hearts to be the right way to health. Last night I began reading through all of the blogs I subscribe to and came to my Penniless Parenting blog. Anyway, we watched the documentary and we both said that this is what we were looking for. I'm just beginning research, but will report back with our progress. Here's to thriving for us and for BABY!